OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

September 25, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

With the playoff push hitting the stretch drive this week, we at Thunder Matt's Saloon have enlisted a little extra "help" for the final week of the season. So without further ado, we bring you none other than O.J. Simpson, our official correspondent who is traveling with the Milwaukee Brewers all week and keeping us updated on their every move. Although we only hired O.J. to report on all things Brewers, don't blame us if he gets his hands...er...gloves dirty with a few nasty tricks to help the Cubs out.

What's crackulatin' everyone? It's none other than O.J. Simpson, coming to you live from prison. Wait...I mean Milwaukee. It's hard to keep things straight sometimes. I mean, being surrounded by a bunch of overweight rednecks who cheer for the Brewers and Cardinals? All the buttsex? Yeah, you'd mistake the Milwaukee dugout for prison too.

But enough about that. Here's what I saw today: a murder. And this time, it had nothing to do with me! I mean, seeing so much red on the field, I got a little nervous, but I was assured that it was Prince Fielder's bat that did the killing tonight.

I tried to get the Cardinals motivated, but I think part of my...charm...rubbed off on them. After all, how else do you explain the two double plays they grounded into? I know a thing or two about twin killings! Hey-o! And poor ol' Taguchi got caught stealing in the fourth inning. That's another thing I know a thing or two about. At least Taguchi doesn't have to worry about any jail time after his failed theft.

Later in the game, Ned Yost got kicked out for the second game in a row. Son, even I know that you aren't going to win these kinds of arguments if you don't have the proper defense in your corner. Me? I had the best defense team money could buy! Yost's petty arguments could never stand up to the silky-smooth stylings of the late Johnny Cochrane. I bet Yost didn't even have a catchy rhyme for his argument. See now if I was out there arguing about balls and strikes and what not, I'd say something like this:

If you call the high strike, I'll stab your wife.


After Yost was run out of the game, that crazy cracker Damien Miller got himself kicked out too, and he did it on purpose! After the game, he said, "There was some premeditation." Shit, son...you don't have to tell O.J. about premeditation!

Hopefully things work out better tomorrow. Although the Cards got whooped today, there was a lone bright spot. Rick Ankiel went 1-4 and scored a run, probably because he's on the Juice, just like the hookers I'm gonna pick up on my way out of the stadium.

That's all I got for today, kids. I'm gonna leave you with a postgame quote from pansy-ass Ned Yost himself: "If the truth gets you in trouble, then the heck with it."

Awwwww shit...The Juice couldn't have said it better himself. And that's the low down dirty shame.