OJ Simpson's Low Down Dirty Shame

September 25, 2007 | Comments (0) | by Rich Funk

Continuing his guest commentary on all things Brewers, Thunder Matt's Saloon brings you O.J. Simpson, reporting to us live from Miller Park.

Whaaaaat's crackulatin'?

After watching him hit two more homers tonight, I've done some research and it turns out that Prince Fielder is not 100% human. This dude is at least half gorilla. Look at the size of this dude! Hell, his middle name is Semien for chrissakes! That shit ain't normal!

With that said, it looks like the only way the Brewer bats are going to cool off is if I knock off The Prince. Say this kid has an "unfortunate accident" ("I swear officer...he ran into my knife 5 times on his own!")...since he's only 50% human, I couldn't be convicted of murder, could I? And even if I was, I'd only get 50% of the sentence, right?

I gotta admit, seeing Prince Fielder murder those two people...er...baseballs, reminded me of what it must have been like for people watching me on top of my game with the Bills. And just like those Bills teams, the Brewers are most likely going to choke here in the home stretch. And just to clarify, I mean "choke" as in "not play well" not as in "I hypothetically choked my ex wife and her boyfriend with a kitchen knife."

I've sort of slacked off the last two games here, and I know that it's up to me to be a bit more proactive in sabotaging the Brewers in their next few games. If there's a few Milwaukee players out of the lineup all the sudden tomorrow, you know they got O.J.'d. I've already started in on Ben Sheets. Don't expect to see him for the rest of the year. He still has some "discomfort" in his hamstring. Allegedly, someone who looks suspiciously like The Juice himself took a board with a nail in the end of it to his leg last night.

Awww shit..."allegedly" has got to be my favorite favorite word. Although "reasonable doubt" sure does roll off the tongue easily. And that's the low down dirty shame.